Attachment and Bonding Part 2

Warning - this is another long one!!!!

I ended my last blog post talking a little about how bonding went for me in country and how many parents fall instantly in love with their child and how some parents 'parent love' takes time to grow - and just to note - how you felt about your referral has NOTHING to do with how your automatic response to your child presents itself - I know many moms who have felt in love with and 'bonded' with a picture of their child and then found that those same feelings didn't come (or stay) once their child was placed in their arms - I also know some parents who HAD a perfect moment when their child was placed in their arms and had that rush of mother love and then found later that those feeling slipped away and had to be grown back.

When those feelings don't come (or stay) instantly, it is difficult. For one thing, you don't know how long it will take for you to feel like this child is your son or daughter. For some I have talked to, it has taken well over a year, for some two weeks, three months, many varying amounts of time.

In this post I want to talk about attachment and bonding - but not Bethlehem's attachment and bonding, my attachment and bonding with her. In the next post, I will talk about our attachment and bonding 'plan' and how it played out in real life instead of on paper - which things worked well for us and for her, how we modified and adapted our plan, what we did to begin with that we don't do any more and what we did in the beginning that is still part of our every day life. In another I would like to talk about the transition from 1 little one to 2 (harder than I expected it to be) and how the girls adjusted to each other. But this post is about me and my feelings. And while I would love to sugar coat it and tell you all what a wonderful person I am and that I am super mom, I am going to try to be as honest as possible. Not to complain or elicit sympathy from anyone, but so those of you on similar journeys will know that God's plan for us isn't always the easiest road, having a hard time can be totally normal, how the Lord does give us strength for the journey He has called us on, and when we come through the tough times we find ourselves stronger, more reliant on our Saviour for daily strength and with a new understanding of what love is. I also want to make sure you know that it has not ALL been hard - but this post is about the hard stuff.

Feelings and emotions. They are so fickle. They ebb and flow and change. And it is all to easy to let them control you. But love - love is not a feeling. Love is something you do no matter what your feelings and emotions say.

I returned home feeling like my precious daughter's aunt - or nanny. For sure an aunt or nanny who was very fond of her, but I simply didn't feel like her mom. I had claimed her as my own, but she didn't yet feel like my own. Strangely enough, although Bethlehem attached to me first, Don felt more bonded with her than I did. Now, unfortunately, feeling cannot be contrived. I cannot make myself feel something I don't as much as I can't make apples grow on a peach tree. BUT I am in control of my actions. And so I gently mothered my sweet baby girl and did my best to helped her transition into our home.

And I fought many battles - battles of selfishness - deep selfishness that I didn't know existed in me, battles of fear and doubt (What if I never feel like she is my daughter? Was this really God's plan for our family??); battles of jealousy - (for a great blog post on this subject pop over to my friend's blog); and discontent (What if we had gotten that referral instead - would it maybe have been instant feelings of love then? What if they had let us adopt a boy instead? What if she had been younger? What if she had been older?).

I wanted to feel love, instead I was feeling frustration, resentfulness, and exhaustion. How I longed to feel mother-love for her. I selfishly thought that feeling mother love for her would make it so much easier to be her mother! I longed to have that mother/daughter connection - the one that after we stopped co-sleeping with Abigail would wake me up in the middle of the night seconds before she awoke to call for me. The connection that meant we never needed a baby monitor for me to know that she needed me - because I just knew. What was wrong with me that I couldn't feel mother love for her?? It wasn't like I was sitting around waiting for her to do something to make me love her - I mean, what kind of a mom would do that?

Our social worker had told us that when you don't have an instantaneous bond with your child you will find sometimes that their cries tend to irritate you instead of exciting sympathy and that things that you would find endearing and adorable in a child you are well bonded with are more annoying. And I honestly though "yes, I'm sure that is how some people respond - but not me - I know I may not have an instant bond or have warm, gushy feelings of love instantly - but find my daughter irritating or annoying?? No way! That's not the kind of person I am - I LOVE kids! And kids are kids, I know how kids are - they can have challenges, and rough days, but you just love them through it and you don't find them annoying and irritating. They are little blessings!" and I thought to myself "there is no way I will every think my baby girl is annoying and irritating." And then she came home.

She transitioned easily into our home. Easier than I expected - I had prepared myself fully for her to have a super rough time. And she had rough days, many times she would wake up scared and confused, there were nights when neither of us got much sleep, and we sang and rocked and cuddled. She had a few times when she was obviously grieving. But all in all, it was WAY easier than I expected it to be. Except for me. Somehow, this adorable, sweet, funny baby girl was NOT feeling like my daughter. In fact, her cries, instead of eliciting feelings of sympathy were NOT tugging on my heartstrings the same way Abigail's do. In fact, some days I found them downright irritating. Things that were completely ADORABLE when Abigail did them I was finding myself annoyed by. What? How could this be?? My sweet baby girl was finally home in my arms - the baby I had waited and prayed for for 14 months and I was being annoyed by her?? And I thought there must be something majorly wrong with me. I mean what kind of loving mama finds their baby, who is indeed, just being a baby, annoying??? Especially a baby who had been through so much and was being such a brave strong girl - a child that, by just her circumstances should elicit my sympathy?? And so I felt consumed by guilt. Because a 'normal', loving mother should not feel this way.

Many days, my feelings would bring me to tears. I would look into my precious daughter's eyes as she snuggled against my chest and as I told her multiple times a day "baby girl, I love you so, so much - I'm so glad you are my baby girl, " I would pray and beg God to give me the feelings to go along with my words. As I struggled against my feelings, I saw how it would be all too easy to dwell on my feelings and let them seep into my actions. I saw how easy it would be to become discontent and dwell on what-ifs, or imagine myself in a different place than I was. Many times when both girls needed/wanted me at the same time, instinct told me that Bethlehem needed me first, but feelings drew me towards my Aba. And so every day, I had a choice to make: would I love my daughter with the love of God - the one who joined our lives? Would I be the mom that He wanted me to be, or would I let my feelings win and make the choice not to love? Would I harbor discontent, or would I kick it out? And I found that every time I made the right choice and chose to love, it made it that much easier to choose love the next time.

And slowly, slowly as the Lord has taught me to love my daughter - He has been growing feelings of mother love in my heart. At almost six months home, I am not quite all the way there yet, but as she and I giggled together the other day over something - can't even remember what now, I realized that I am falling in love, deeply in love with this precious little girl the Lord has made my daughter. Sometimes now she feels completely and wholly like my daughter and sometimes she still feels like a small stranger. But the feeling like she is my daughter is slowly, slowly outweighing the feelings that she is not. I'm not sure how much longer it will take - and I look forward to the day when she feels 100% my daughter.

I thank the Lord for bringing other moms into my life that have had similar experiences and that have been open enough to share how it was for them and to pray with/for me. It is a huge encouragement to know that I am not alone.

Until that day when she does feel 100% my daughter 100% of the time, I am confident in the fact that:

I love her with a lot, a lot of love. (This is what I say every night to my two baby girls - Abigail will often respond with "I love you with a lot, a lot of bun cream!" She is so silly.)
She IS 100% totally, wholly and completely my daughter.
God hand-picked her - this wonderful, sweet baby girl to be my daughter.
He will continue to grow feelings of love for her in my heart.
There is a reason He chose not to let our bond be instantaneous.
I find great joy in being her mother despite my fickle feelings and emotions.
Our bond will continue to grow in strength and deepness and no matter how long it takes we WILL get there.
And finally, feelings are just feelings.

I also have to remind myself that the relationship I share with Bethlehem will never be the exact relationship I share with Abigail - they are two totally different children, and because they are not clones of each other the relationships we share will be different. It will be just as wonderful, just different.

I have this list a friend gave me and I keep it where I can see it often and it has helped a lot as a reminder:

Keys to Contentment

Never allow yourself to complain about anything - not even the weather.
Never picture yourself in any other circumstances or someplace else.
Never compare your lot with another's.
Never allow yourself to wish this or that had been otherwise.
Never dwell on tomorrow - remember that tomorrow is God's not ours.

(Thanks, Cris!)

Often I worry about bonding and attachment - is Bethlehem forming a healthy attachment?? Are we doing all we can to help her form a healthy, secure attachment? Did she seem too friendly with the neighbor?? Have I done anything that will damage her attachment to us forever?? (Yes, I tend to be over-dramatic in my worry). I just want her to have a healthy attachment and not have to worry about it anymore. I have to remind myself that if I am not completely there yet, I sure can't expect her to be there yet either. I have learned (and am learning) to give her grace and give myself grace. I am overwhelmed by God's grace. I am so thankful that He entrusted me with Bethlehem and made her my very own daughter. I am so blessed - blessed far beyond what I deserve.

He Giveth More Grace

He giveth more grace when the burdens grow greater,
He sendeth more strength when the labors increase,
To added affliction He addeth his mercy
To multiplied trials His multiplied peace.

His love has no limit.
His grace has no measure.
His power has no boundaries known unto man,
For out of his infinite riches in Jesus,

He giveth and giveth and giveth again.

When we have exhausted our store of endurance,
When our strength has failed ere the day is half done,
When we reach the end of our hoarded resources,
Our Father's full giving is only begun.

His love has no limit.
His grace has no measure.
His power has no boundaries known unto man,
For out of his infinite riches in Jesus,
He giveth and giveth and giveth again.

By Annie Flint